RE - Play ; Hang Hang - Noreaga feat. LilJon&Ashanti
                   & Situations - Keyshia Cole

HOT DAMN! it's been what.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... blah blah 20 days since I last blogged in this shit. Hmm, so what's been going on since then? Party, drinks, drugs :D YOU GUESSED IT! Overfelt dance was okaay kinda. then all that good stuff. I'm on the last week of school, had my 1st period final today, tomorrow is 2nd & 3rd dismissal at 1220, Thursday is 4th & 5th dismissal is 1220 as well, then friday is 6th.. I get out at 10. WHOO HOO! SUPER HYPHY NIGGA! Haha :D what else been going on.. OH. i know how to drive now! Just a little practice on some little stuff then i'm good. I'm gonna take drivers ed, i'm not quite sure what session yet though. i'm not sure if i'm going to summer school yet, so i can't decide. they got..
June 20 - 23
July 18 - 21
August 1 - 4
i'm probably gonna take the one next week, if i get the money by then. if not then the one in July. but oh well, all that matters is that i'm gonna take it! I CAN'T WAIT TO FINALLY HAVE MY DAMN L's. I got my car, I got my skrillaa.. let's go baby! ;D

So besides all that good stuff.. i'm doing good except for a few things. Homies is a.. well i don't know. I got my Ladies, that's all that matters..right? Anyways. Family. It hurts just saying it. I wish I had a true one.. shit is still the same. Not getting treated any better.. i hate them. Ever since I was little I was always left out of the ' Family Outtings. ' I remember when everyone, all the cousins, aunties&uncles.. all went to Six Flags. I went to my Grandma's house & I was surprised to see none of my cousins were there, so I asked my one Auntie who stayed where was my cousin.. & she said, ".. oh she went to her friends house. " Then I asked my other Auntie who stayed where was my other cousin, & she said, ".. oh she stayed at home. " So I assumed all the older cousins were out with their friends, so gulible ass me belived all of it. Next week I go to my Grandma's house again.. then I walk into one of my cousin's room & I hear, " Oh Six Flags was hella fun!! " It's funny cause right when I walked in everyone was quiet & just looked at me. So I knew I wasn't wanted there, so I just walked out & stayed with my mom that whole night. The next time I went back there I remember my cousins talking about how fun Six Flags was.. right in front of my fuckin' face, like I didn't even fuckin' exist. Oh maan, that's just one out of the many times. & they ask me why I get mad? FUCK YOU! They don't understand for shit. I admitted to them I DO get jealous & I feel left out.. but then they say, " Oh yeaa, everyone was invited.. it's not like we didn't tell you. " FUCK YOU MORE! There's a difference. I guess they're just too fuckin' stupid to decipher. If everyone was invited then how come my mom or dad didn't even hear about it? Ugh, fuck you bitches. I guess you can say as I grew up I got used to it. Nothing changed, shit is still the same & they still hate me. So fuck it & fuck them as well. Not like they ever help us anyways.

I guess you really did change huh? Good luck to you. But before you change even more, just let me tell you this. You say you miss us.. & you're sorry for what you did, yet you're not even proving it. Your homies told you to just give us time when we were mad & wait for US to talk to YOU, so you gave us time & we finally talked shit out. Obviously not all of it. In all honesty, it doesn't even seem like we exsist to you anymore, you act like we're not even there. I can't belive shit changed that fuckin' quick. The other day we saw you at Gmall, we talked for a while then you told us you had a movie.. that started like at least 30 mins later. Then you said you had to go, I think that's fucked up you couldn't even chill with us at least for a while. When we ask you to go out.. you never even have time for us. You're already doing something. Maybe i'm just getting butthurt, but I honestly don't give a fuck because it's bothering the living shit out of me. I don't even feel like the same fuckin' person without you. If you really miss us, you would do something about it. If you don't wanna chill with us, or whatever.. at least don't pretend like you want to.. just so we're, well at least i'm not gonna expect anything out of it. It doesn't even seem like you're sincere about the shit you say now.. when you're around us, we get the feeling you don't even wanna be there with us. Or you feel hella uncomfortable. Either you changed a shitload, or you just wanted to get away from us. Because of the little shit, when you're with your homies.. you don't have to trip about the ride. & when you're with us, you get into more trouble. Idk, just a thought.. I could be wrong. When you said you wanted to change, I didn't know you wanted to change your homies too.

" ..and i figured that all i really want for myself right now is just to be away from everything to not be out anymore, and call me stupid and maybe even laugh but its best for me.. "
- YOU

yeaa, it's kinda wierd you said that & you're out everyday/weekend now. Idk though, that's you. Don't get on my balls about putting this on xanga, I just wanted to tell you at one whole time, not in pieces. Read all of it before you say anything about what I have to say.. :'/ But all I said is truely what I feel. But at least you're happy now, that's all that matters.

So, look what I got. Yeaa, that little pussy looking dog right
there is nympho lynno's HefferLoCc, papa boy, Cripper aka
MY DINNER. Sadly he passed away on the.. 8th  i think? Ahh man. I'm just glad all his pain is put to rest.

                             R.I.P. Cripper
                         ¬ 0608053:07PM
                          Rest in Paradise

But it's just too bad that I got no more sea lion to cook anymore & shit. ( I KEED Sherilyn! LOL. ) OH OH MOTHER FUCKER! I just remember, I got a fuckin' interview this Saturday ;D GOOD LORD AM I EXCITED! I hope I get this job, or i'll die. So as for me, i'm handling shit pretty well.. i'm pretty sure i'll be good. It's Summertime. Peaaacee! ;D

RE - Play ; Super sick wit it - Turf Talk, Mistah Fab, & E-40

purple, purple, gon of thaa liquor! ;D Son ofa nigga that song is slaaampin'. nehoo. ' DAMN DAWG ' .. been heckaa long since I wrote in this shit. yeaa, shonuff' shit's been curaackin'. partyin', duraank ups, cheellin' .. yaana the deal. The Creek Dance was curuunk like craazy, even though we came kinda late *ehem, HAHA. I'm still not satisfied, I need more drinks & drugs. HAHA :) c'mon now, summer's coming! I can't fucking wait for summer to come, I really miss last summer & the summer before that. Drama - free days, oh well. Haha. I really miss some homies i've lost touch with or faded away from too, especially that one dude. shiet.

SCHOOL is really getting better for me :) I bumped up my frikken' D-  in science to a B- in just 3 weeks, whrraaaa niggaa! ;D Yea, i'm proud bitch. Told you I got my priorities straight now homeboy. I hope to take Drivers Ed during the summer & get that job I applied for. I already got a car, so it would be perfect if I got those two things =)

This are going pretty smoothly for me now. Except i'm heckaa sad cause i'm on a fucking diet, I can't eat :( I hate this. But HEY, you take the pain to get the pleasure righht? RIGHT! I think I need a naked picture of Sherilyn, that's how skinny I wanna be ;D LOL. Love you toots! But yeaa, everything would be going perfect .. except for some shit i'd rather not talk about because i'm gonna end up loosing it again. But okaay, 'till next time folks! >:)

RE - Play; Childhood drama [remix] - Goapele
                   I'm wishing on a star - Beyonce [ neptunes rmx ]

BACK TRACK :)

FRIDAY, MAY 6, 2005 --

met up with KERROPI at gmall around 630 - 7 i think. we were only appose to go shoppin' for madre's day .. but we got heckaa tangled up with heads. haha. first SHERMAN calls KERROPI & says IVAN's goin' D&B. then we start walking & see RYAN, GABE, BRAIN, CRIP CUZZ MIKE, ESTILLO, & CHRISMA come outta the cuts. then we see 'drey, steph, giang, & them. then the BIG&TALL somoans from OVERFELT come out. WHOODAMN! i must admit, some somoans can really catch your eye :) some fellers came out lookin' like BT&H & shit. HAHA. turned out RYAN knew them. next thing i know RYAN's screamin' like he got his balls bounced, calling my name. " OH SHIT! HAHAHA! AYEE CHANEL! LOOK! IT'S TYGER! " LOL. i look & it's the dude that always leaves me comments on myspace. he's nice ;] but yeaa. cheeelled' & moked for a quick while, then everyone started headin' to D&B .. but KERROPI & I waited outside for SHERMAN. blah blah, SHERMAN came & we caught up with them at D&B. so everyone was playin' games & cheeelin'. RORY & FRIEND came. then went outside for a mokey, cheellled' again. then theatres, then cheellled' there for most of the night. saw MEEHSHELL & PHOUNG. my night would've been perfect if it weren't for those assholes. he's my homie, of course i would get pissed. so after badtrippin' shit was, LMAO. OH MOTHER FUCK! HAHAHA! this one old ass drunken feller was hecckaa fuckin' around. he put on a show for us! LOL. he was all dancin' like craaazy, flowin' like whaa! HAHA! he was koo for an old ass cat ;D oh maan, he was sayin' helllaaa shit .. everyone was just, LMAO! haha. craazy ass, no wonder his wife kicked him out. HAHAHA! RORY's homie was like a cute little boy. he was too shy to ask KERROPI for her number, LOL! " naa dawg, i'm rusty & shit. " HAHA! but yeaa, after that .. we bounced around 1030? RYAN & ESTILLO dropped KERROPI&I off at my casa, then CHRISMA, & SHERMAN. BIRD MAN was appose to pick us up & go to RYAN's casa, but he flaked ; /. so we just fell asleep. pretty good friday.

SATURDAY, MAY 7, 2005 --

fucking KERROPI woke me up HECKAA fuckin' early. 8 in the damn morning foo! UGHHH. so cooked KERROPI, NIKKA BABY, & I some breakfast. after breakfast, just hellaaa cheelled' & lagged. HAHA! so around 230 kuya came over & we was just cheellin'. he left & picked up his lady, then came back & picked KERROPI&I up then dropped us off at gmall to do our posponed madre's day shopping. saw TITA CARRIE, SHAY, & KITTY in AE :) hm, at first i wasn't quite sure what to get my mom. but then i saw a few nice shirts at AE & decided to just get her that :) then KERROPI bought TITA OFELIA a nice 3/4 thin ass baby blue sweater with a yellow tank top inside for a good price. HAHA, it was nice though. i want one. HAHAHA! AYEE JEN! " wtFUCK BITCH! *SPASM. twitch twitch. don't breathe! " OH LORD, that shit was halarious ;D after all the shopping, we ate, then went outside to mokey. & on our way there, there was this big ass crowd of heads instigating on this one mexican foo. i guess he got in a fight, or it was a hit & run .. but i know shadigg he was KNOCK THE FUCK OUT. bklood & everything! bejesus. THEN! while we were cheeelllin' outside enjoyin' our mokey, these ATOWN YOUNGIN's come rollin' up hellaa mean muggin'. haha, it was cute .. but cheesy. so blah blah, we see some other youngin's roll up .. & next thing we know. ' what you want niggaa, you got funk cuhz?! ' *bam, jump, bam, hop, bam bam, jump back. HAHA! these little kids were boxin! LOL. omgoodness i couldn't stop laughing. this fat ass mexican kid & this short ass asian dude. it basically went like .. *hit, jump back, hit hit, HOP BACK, hit, jump. i'm telling you, the shit was HALARIOUS! but yeaa, soon after the piggys stopped them & put them in handcuffs. haha, poor kids. shit! when i was their age i was at home watchin' my damn sailor moon! nowadays you see hella youngin's mobbin' everywhere, like ' daaamn kid! your heckaaa hardcore! ' TULUNGNA. LMAO!! ahh watever though, new generation invading gmall & shit. so yeaa, got picked up around 630. that saturday was so bakla.

sunday's are sundays. rest day :)

TODAY. today was so ass pickin' tiring. i hated today. i almost lost it 3rd period & break, oh mother fuck i was so fuckin' PISSED off! then 4th period i got all, eh. idk, watever though .. i don't know what to do anymore. honestly. but okaay watever, 3.5 more days 'till daddy comes home! ;D ahh, i miss my pops like a niggaaa! time to grub though, peeeaacee!

RE - Play ; that's my word - keak da sneak

LONG TIME. okaay so back track on the shit.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2002  --

after school, took a shower .. met up with kerropi & went to sherllang's pad. sherllang created a masterpiece with my hair, even though it's not quite done yet ;] around 8:15 bradley & ivan picked us up then went to gmall to meet up with the other heads. got there & saw HELLA heads. felt just like old times .. damn. anywaays, met up with mark, ryan, gabe, the ladies & other heads. met a new feller MIKE, gangstaa. haha, cheellled' there, then went to Mickeydeez to meet up with rholan & the OLB heads. so we were rollin' around 6 cars deep not knowing where the fuck to go, since heads hella got the directions to the telly party mixed up. crazy ass mother fuckers screamin' yellin' hangin' out the car with open doors, LOL.  it turned out it was just a couple blocks down the road. SHIT. haha, so hella wasted gas & shit. got there & there must of been a MILE long line of heads walking to the room. soo, decided not to go in since there were waay to many heads in there. SO, chilled outside with the the ladies & everyone else, smokin' our lungs out .. waitin' for bradley & ryan to pick up sean at UC. finally when they came, decided to just do our OWN thang & rent our OWN telly. haha, so now it was only ; bradley, ivan, sean, me, sherilyn, jen, ryan, mark, brian, gabe, dan, jay jay & crip cuzz mike. to make a long story short shit didn't really go as planned since it was a waste of money. jen had to be home & i wasn't really feelin' good, so ryan dropped us off at chucky cheeses & brian picked us up. got dropped off at kerropi's .. this was around 12 i think? while everyone decided to just go cheell' at the club house. so shit happened & decided to go back, but no ride. so ended up fallin' asleep waitin' up for bird man & shit. THAT, was a good friday. i guess.

saturday. woke up, took a shower, me&kerropi had a ladies day out. too bad sherllang was too much of a lazy ass to get ready ;| ANUS FACE. haha, jokes. love you. after, went back to kerropi's bad & grubbed like mofo's. got picked up around 6 & helped pops pack for the PI ;[ damn it. so basically pretty cheelll' ass saturday.

sunday. did some last minute errands & preparations for pops, goin' hella places like crazy. haha. dropped him off around 11 at the frisko airport ;[ ahh, i miss him heckaa badly. did some deep ass thinkin' on my way back .. *sighh.

now it's tuesday. last day of fucking SATs. horraay! school starts 12:15 tomorrow, then 10:00 on thursday ;D then friday, yaay. but cot damn, i might not go out cause i don't wanna leave my mom&ading home alone, ahh. it's okaay, if i can't come to the party .. then i guess the party just has to come to ME ;D YESS!

RE - Play ; Falling - keahiwai
                   Breakdown - BT&H feat. Mariah Carey
                   Bad Habit - Destiny's Child
                   we belong together - Mariah Carey

" i wanna tell you baby,
that you're the one i'm thinkin' of,
but your heart is still with her
& i think she is the one that you love,
i only want you happy,
even if it's not with me. "

no one really understands how hard it is. i don't really expect anyone to. in all of my days this is the one thing i can't let go of. i just don't understand why, it's so fucking hard .. it's almost been 9 months, don't you think that by now .. at least a little part of me let go? no, not for shit. yeaa, i don't get it either. i've got so many questions waiting to be answered. everything confuses me. i'm all out of words. it's funny knowing you don't even know half of what i'm really feeling.  i still halusinate .. feeling, hearing you breathe on me. touching & caressing me. i don't know what to do anymore .. i stop sometimes to think if i'm being stupid for still caring about you, but then i think .. if someone felt the same way i did, they would go to extremes to prove to that one person.

" .. i'm feelin' all out of my element,
i'm throwin' things, crying
trying to figure out where the hell i went wrong. "

i'm hangin' on loose ends. strings. everything .. anything i do, memories playback over & over again. i try to think where the hell i went wrong .. i tried, God knows i tried. i was scared to push you away .. all i ever wanted to do was help you. make you happy in anyway, as long i saw that million dollar smile on your face. you couldn't even smile without laughing. i miss it soo much. it hurts everytime i hear your name. i would do anything to bring it back, to the way everything was before. i hate to be all emo & dramatic about shit .. but what can i do? at one point i'ma have to vent all my shit somewhere. am i right? .. or am i right?
you changed, some of your homies noticed it too ;T It makes me laugh because everytime i'm around you i get all these butterflies in my stomach, i freak out & act all girly girl, it makes me sick .. i still do. haha. i remember telling you, you reminded me of Mighty Mouse because you looked like a ' cute little, baby faced mouse .. but you were strong & couragous on the inside. ' ever since then i started calling you Mighty Mouse .. ;) everytime i see you, it still feels like the first time. my throat gets all dry, my hands start shaking, & i get all speechless. like the first time we actually kicked it ..

.. it's funny everytime i remember that day. July 23, 2004. me, my cousin, & some homegirls were sittin' on the chairs & you passed by us with your homies, i wasn't really sure if that was you considering i haven't seen you in a year. so my homegirl called out your name .. & you turned around. from that second on my throat got all dry & my hands got all cold. :] it's funny thinking about it .. i was so nervous. you asked me if i was gonna go mallin' with you guys & i said yeaa .. we were walkin' around & you were hella nudgin' pushin' my arm, ' to flirt ' you said. haha. then we sat down to chill then we went out to chill in front of the movies. one of the two parts i can't forget, you tried pickin' me up & throwin' me in the fountain. then we started play boxin' & you punk, pushed my head. ohh man .. it feels like just the other day. damn, i still have that little ciggarete booklet that came from your pack of stoges, haha. then we chilled until it got cold .. you asked me if i wanted to wear your sweater :] i was all shy .. so i said no at first. then you asked me again & i said yeaa. then the second part .. i remember putting it on & drowning on the tatay colone. good lord i was about to have an allergy attack cause it was so strong .. but then i got used to it. the smell grew on me. goodness, i remember sleeping with that sweater on! sniffing it all night 'till the smell was gone. haha .. & that was the last night i saw you until, 5 months later
;[ ..

" .. i should have held on tight,
i never should've let you go,
i didn't know nothing,
i was stupid,
i was foolish,
i was lying to myself. "

i thought i moved on already. i thought you moved on already. i thought you forgot about me already, you stopped trying. i didn't think you still cared. we faded away .. slowly. little by little until you were completely gone. i cried every night after that .. thinking where did i go wrong? was it something i said? it fucked me up so much. so i took a step forward thinking i was able to handle all the obsticles the next step contained. but i was wrong .. so, so wrong. after seeing you for the first time in 5 months at our homies .. i was speechless. ' truth is .. ' -- everything came rushing back to me, it hit me .. hard. considering the position i was in .. i couldn't say anything to you. i know you hated me. that same night i went home & cried my eyes out. i hated myself, i blamed myself for everything. i mean .. what could i do? i was the one that fucked up. God knows, i didn't mean to. that was the last thing i wanted to do. i didn't expect you to believe me after what happened. that's why i was going insane cause there was nothing i can do to make you belive. i made a mistake .. until this day i'm still paying for it. you confused me soo much. i guess those are the things that keep me hangin' on. everybody told me something different, i didn't know what to belive. i heard something from someone, that just made my stomach drop. i was crying until i had no more tears left .. but then i thought about it .. if it was true, then why? why did you do & say the things you did to me. it just didn't make sense, so i decided not to jump to conclusions & to just wait & ask you, yourself. but .. i never got around to asking you. i never felt the time was right .. it doesn't even matter to me anymore, you wouldn't do that .. right? i know you wouldn't. i don't know .. you can't really blame me, i can't control the way i feel. you can't either.

" .. immediately, i pretended to be feeling similarly,
& led you to belive i was O.K.
to just walk away from the one thing that's
unyeilding & sacred to me. "

i've tried over a million times to let go, even a little part of you at least .. i take a step & open my eyes, i'm back where i started from. it's not possible. i know i'm still young, but i know what i'm feeling & it's not some puppy shit. i wouldn't be this stupid to hold something so close to my heart for almost 9 months & be a joke .. & not mean anything to me. i could say i don't give a fuck about you & turn around & breakdown. i could deny it 'till i die .. but it's always going to be true. i can't let go of you. 

" well, i guess i'm trying to be nonchalant about it,
& i'm going to extremes to prove i'm fine without you,
but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind underneathe the guise of a smile.
gradually, i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel & i lie convincingly,
'cause i don't want to reveal the fact that i'm suffering,
so i wear my disguise 'till i go home at night,
& turn down all the lights,
& then i break down & cry. "

i've grown & matured so much from the time i met you 'till now. i learned a lot from the situation. not to pull when no one's there to pull back. who knows if you were just playin' games, hell .. if i even meant anything to you at all. all i know is that i'm not letting go 'till the day my heart tells me so. tell me i'm young & i don't know what i'm feeling .. & look away & tell yourself you never loved her.

" endless times i stayed up
all night, waiting for you to call,
lying to myself cause,
you aren't thinking 'bout me at all,
my eyes are holding back the tears,
my pride won't let you see me act a fool
cause i'll be damned if i let you know,
that i still feel something for you. "

" .. so i told myself that i would make some changes,
but the more i change there's one thing that remains the same,
i can't seem to shake ya,
you seem to really have a hold on me. "

i need you back. please come back. even if it means nothing more than a homie. i miss you, i miss you so much it hurts. countless nights i've cried myself to sleep. i cried all those nights we were apart. but i've gotten used to it. i just hope you forgive me for whatever i did wrong to you. i never meant any of it. hurting you was the last thing i wanted to do. i know you're still hurting, i know you're scared .. because of her. it hurts me to you see you hurting that much, & know there's nothing at all i can do about it. all i really want is for you to be happy. i don't wanna say i understand your situation right now, because i probably don't .. but i'm trying my best. i've been thinking about talking to you lately, but i don't know if it's really the right time. i know you have enough stress on you from everything else .. but when does stress ever stop? * sigh. i wanna give you time to cool down from everything. i just don't wanna push you away like i did before .. or put more stress on you.

regardless what kind of person you turn out to be, i'll always accept & love you as you are. i'm always going to be here with open arms. always is always going to be always. as a homie, a best friend, a sister, a lover. anyday, anytime, call me 4 in the morning i'll have an open ear. i just want you to know that i'm here with a helping hand. as much as i pray & wish for things to go back to the way they were before, i know it can't. but i'm not gonna give up, miracles can happen. i'm just not depending on it. not a damn thing changed, everything is still the same, the feelings are still there. it hurts knowing i can't have you, but knowing there's still a future with hopes that you'll be in it, keeps my faith.